Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
