What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
