that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Randomize
