I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
