Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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