if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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