i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
