Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
