I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Randomize
