It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
