Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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