Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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