you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize