Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
