the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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