I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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