Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
