how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
