You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
