God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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