I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
