you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You need Xanax blowdarts
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
