My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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