all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
