I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
