I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
