I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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