Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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