i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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