Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I believe in your delicious
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
