Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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