If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
