I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
