If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
