guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
