I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
