You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
