my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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