can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
