if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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