nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
