I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
