i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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