He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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