Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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