so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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