At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
