the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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