He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize