I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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