Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Randomize
