dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
