11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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