His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
