Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
