Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
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