I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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