dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
