You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
