Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
