it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
